B-2 Wrap Up

Earlier this summer I started a gardening company with something of a unique gimmick in its field. It sort of took a weird turn after about a month that only added to its success despite my attempts at self-sabotage. Since I’ll be returning to school shortly, it is time to put B-2 Yard Work and Marriage Counseling (I swear if you say it enough it doesn’t sound that weird) on the shelf for the time being. But first, some thoughts:

• On balance I feel like people are more sensitive of the times when they feel like things aren’t working out for them than they are the times when things are going exactly their way. This experience, I feel confident saying, was one of those periods in which I was intimately aware that dumb luck was precisely on my side the entire time, and it was fantastic.

• Nobody ever ascertained what the “B-2” thing was about, so I think I’m just going to start embracing the Battleship misunderstanding and distribute flyers that say “B-2 Gardening: We’ll Sink Your Weed Problems” or something.

• By far my favourite type of work was “invasive plant removal,” because it was the only instance in which my job sounded vaguely dangerous.

The mean, green, compromised dream.

• I used to think that people who barely had a yard but still owned these were wasting their money, but now that I’ve driven one around? I get it. It’s the closest a lot of middle-aged men will come to fulfilling their dream of owning a convertible, and it’s the closest I’ve ever gotten to achieving my dream of driving a go-cart with swords attached. Win-win.

• After accidentally knocking over a rusted coffee can behind a shed that turned out to be a hornet’s nest, I discovered that my involuntary scream sounds something like this: “Ohhhhhhhh-waaaaAWESOMMMMME!!!”

• The Annual(?) B-2 Company Golf Tournament, held at 2:00 AM on the hole of the local golf course with the low fencing, was a rousing success.

• For the first time in my life I had reason to refer to my jeep as “my work vehicle” and felt richer than anything I ever would’ve imagined as a boy. I left an empty paint can in the back for no other reason than to hear the sweet, sweet music its rattling made.

• I wouldn’t recommend it long term, but it can be a beautiful thing when the place you go to work is nicer than your home.

• There’s a certain kind of client you get, usually retired folks who have tons of Coca-Cola in their fridge but never drink it, who like to break up their day by coming outside and talking politics with you. Sometimes this leads to me hearing a point of view that I don’t necessarily agree with, and in those cases I find it’s best to make a series of non-committal responses throughout such as “Yeah, well, it’s a crazy economy alright” and “You know what it is? It’s a cry for help.”

• For about a week there was a film crew working next to a house I was gardening. Watch for my cameo appearance this fall as Gardener Who Remains in the Background of Shot Despite No Longer Needing to Work in That Particular Flowerbed, in I Didn’t Actually Get the Title, But It Looked Like There Might’ve Been a Vampire at Some Point.

• My goal for next summer: Sponsor a little league team.