FROM THE ARCHIVES: Hi, School Andrew!

Look, all I’m trying to do here is peruse the journals I kept in high school in search of some naive belief I held back then so that I can post it here and ridicule it for the entertainment of you lot. You know, do one of those “I used to be like this, but now I’m like this, and isn’t the tenderfooted guilelessness of my past self lightly humorous?” It’s a classic setup in the comedy writing biz*. But no, seventeen-year-old Andrew had to have the forethought — the gall — to make exactly the same joke 22-year-old Andrew wants to make. Look at this punk:

January 28th, 2008:

I had some photos taken for the yearbook today because I won in two categories for the “Most Likely to…” popularity notoriety contest. The categories I inexplicably won in? “Most Likely to be on a Reality TV Show” and “Most Likely to Take over the World”. Now, the former I could understand if it was COPS or something, but take over the world? Really? I’m far too passive for that. I’m sitting here writing about it when I should be out there doing it … somehow? See, I don’t even know where to start. Besides, the school nerd that people are only peripherally aware of and assume to be some sort of repressed maniac is supposed to win that and — oh, right.

Okay, I know you were just trying to make a self-deprecating remark in order to defend yourself from the ire of potential criticisms levelled at a private journal no one else reads — I get it — but did you ever stop to think that you’re hurting yourself by not letting me hurt you? Have some foresight, guy. Or maybe less.

Of course, little did I realize back then that I would devise an intricately plotted plan to take over the world, a plan that begins with me starting a microblog and — well, perhaps I have said too much.

*”Biz,” by the way, is short for “business.” MAN, I am just giving away these trade secrets tonight.